5 posts tagged “anxiety”
Crash: hug
for you
me: gahhh i'm so fat right now Crash
132
do you believe this
i was 125 like 6 weeks ago
i want to die
Crash: is it muscle?
me: no it is HIDEOUS FAT
Crash: baby katzen, no! omg how did it happen!?
me: my clothes are tight
Crash: mine are, too
me: i want to hurl self off bridge
just need a bridge
Crash: i think i am up to 140
me: why isn't there ever a BRIDGE when you need one
Crash: so i'll probably fall faster than you
lol
me: LOL
well we're screwed with no bridges
Crash: this is true. at least i refilled my meds today, tho.
me: and i'm in day FOUR of the same anxiety attack
mmmmmmeds
Crash: damn!
that is so not good
me: considered getting back on, today
took a benedryl instead
;-)
Crash: i don't blame you
me: poor man's narcotic
Crash: i keep popping cyclobenzaprine and xanax
cos i ran out of paxil for 3 days and no time to refill it because of evil evil job
me: mail order!
Crash: ooh good idea
me: oh i'd be lost without mail order
funny, in tthe middle of an anx. attack, the LAST thing i wana do is run out to the drugstore
Crash: i should look into that
yeah, no doubt
did i tell you about my nervous breakdown this week?
where i yelled at people at work?
me: you told me you cussed some bitch out
Crash: omg. i so did.
i did not get in trouble.
:)
i even said "fucking" in front of a little kid. at work. and i am not fired. whew!
me: b/c you're rad
Crash: and very, very lucky
hehe
but then i got mad again today at work
but didn't say any naughty words
so i think i'm ok
just a fat ass
with a sore throat and cough
and broken out skin
from being freaking overworked and overangered
me: i am also broken out
bad
stress and candy
ok well i'll have my 7 lbs gone by. thnxgiving
hopefully
i just have to pick a limb to hack off.
Crash: lmao!
i have eaten almost an entire large bag of peanut m and ms today
then i got sick. surprise, surprise.
i find feeling ugly makes me homicidal instead of suicidal anymore. it's weird.
me: at least they taste the same on the way up
Crash: or maybe it's vaguely both
me: HAHA
me too
it also makes me buy stupid shit from mall kiosks
Crash: we should write a book together
like proactiv? hehe
me: i'm that girl, the one they target to buy their dead sea salt shit b/c i look like i have low self worth
I AM THAT GIRL
Crash: ohhh the dudes that want to put crap on you as you walk by
me: yah lookin like 'i just wanna be touched'
Crash: lol!
me: 'can't you see how needy i am? due to my huge ass and my acne right there?'
Crash: i said yesterday i was going to make a new magazine about how girls who have low self-esteem get all the men
me: 'touch me for 40 seconds and i will buy two of your packs of salt shit
Crash: you are hilarious
me: it's TRUE
i'm going to blog it right now
Crash: i know, but it's so funny
you should be on snl
me: lol
Crash: yay!
me: actually i'll just paste this into vox
i'm so lazy
Crash: awesome
me, too
me: as well as fat and pimplehaving
Crash: fat, lazy, broken out assholes
that's us
me: we suck
Crash: but damn, we're witty
me: we have that going for us
Crash: i feel so much pressure to be the funny one
to make up for the ugly
me: me TOO!
Crash: it's like everyone lvoes me b/c i'm hilarious, and i entertain everyone, but then i go home and want to put a gun in my mouth
it's a sick cycle
me: is it better than putting a gun in someone elses mouth?
i suppose it depends on the mouth
and the someone
Crash: i just updated my boyfriend.
i call my blog my boyfriend, btw
me: haha did you paste my blog!?
Crash: nope
but if the feds find mine i'm effed
me: nice i'mma have to read that
Crash: yay!
ok now i have to go
love you. and don't worry, someone is fatter than you today. xoxoxoxoxo
me: love you back, thanks for the sage advice
I have had three solid days of anxiety attacks in the last 2 weeks, with no apparent external cause. A year ago, this would have freaked my shit out, and i would have let these bad days eat at me until i was a soggy, weeping mess curled up in the fetal position on the floor of my bathroom. However in the last six months or so I have learned how to manage my anxiety; coming up with plans of 'attack' (har-har-har) to prevent them at best, and cope with them otherwise.
well it's 6 ish am and i'm not sleeping. have had some difficulty the last few days getting more than three hours sleep at a time, which is a bitch. sleeping is one of my greatest pleasures, and until this weekend, one of my greatest talents. However I've caught up with every blog i read, every episode of House, Lost, and Fringe that i have missed, and read TWO magazines cover-to-cover. if that is in fact, productive at all.
I'm supposed to be somewhere, but i didn't go. people were counting on me. i was part of a team. there was to be a celebration.
I did my hair. I got dressed. I put on a watch.
heart pounding.
i didn't go.
Every now and then my mind convinces my body that the world is ending. i take pills to prevent this, more of them recently. But, I was once a normal girl and the world was not ending then, and I find the pills to be a poor substitute for an uncomplicated contentment.
but not taking them has its own consequences. the heart pounds and the lungs gasp and the teeth clench, the lips fail to speak and the mind fails to coax the body out of a ball on the couch or the bed or in a corner.
I've got a bloody mary and some sweet calming songs playing, courtesy of a boyfriend who hates to see me cry. he doesn't understand it, but he pretends.
sorry everyone. i can barely forgive myself for being so unduly affected by mere vapors, but i hope we can still hang out. when i'm feeling better.
i'm in one of those MOODS i get into every so often where i hate everyone and deliberately say things to piss people off and then feel persecuted when they all call me a bitch.
(i feel like there was a lot more to say about that, but the above actually sums it up really well. )
i got the devil again. I say two blue prayers every morning to keep me holy, but the devil always wins. he wins so much lately, i start to wonder if he was winning all along and i was too busy to notice.
i got home at six am and the boys were fighting.. Darling BF was asleep in bed with the door closed and Jonas couldn't get in to snuggle at his feet the way he likes. I tried to bring him in to sleep, but BF was adamant, no, my little jabesywabesy would not be sleeping in our room, tonight... apparently they had a fight resulting in a quarter-sized bruise.
baby needs more iron
Jonas is old, and there's no way I was gonna let him sleep on the floor all alone, so i curled up on the couch for a few hours of almost-sleep. BF woke me at 10am and sent us both to bed. where i slept like a rock, and gangbusters.
it's almost 4 and i still haven't put on a shirt. it's not as attractive as you might think (sickos and ps my DAD reads this blog). I just had a cup of coffee and a peach. I hate peach fuzz. that's why god made the nectarine.
thank god for nectarines.
