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things i won't be doing any christmas..

2 days ago
8 comments

there's the HUGE lindy hop event the week between christmas and new years. everyone in the world* is going and they're all rabid about it on facebook.

whoa.

let me just affirm, here today in front of everyone, that you will never catch me at a dance event at the holidays. i don't know if i was raised that way, or if it's just born in me, but i think the holidays are meant to be celebrated with the people you love most...! when i hear about the whole world going to some dance event I think:

a) is your life SO UTTERLY EMPTY, that you care more about Lindy Hop and Lindy Hoppers than anyone else in the WORLD?

or

b) are you just so lucky, able to spend so much quality time with your family that you can spare the crucial holiday time?

or

c) maybe you're not a christmas celebrator.

a) makes me sad. b) makes me jealous. and c).. is just c. C is really the only one that makes sense, i guess.

As long as there is blood in my body, and people left in my life left to love, you will not find me at a dance event at the holidays. In fact, if you do see me at a dance event at christmastime, or new years, it's probably because everything in my life has fallen apart, and i'm just looking for any spark in life to keep me from ending it all.

in those cases, best not to ask questions.

Merry christmas! or: dreams of cutting people open. Surgery dolls!

4 days ago
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SO this morning I woke up at 6 am to an alarm clock, because i had to do something quickly for work... 10 minutes later i was back in bed and HERE IS THE GOOD PART...

I began having the most fantastic and vivid Sci Fi dream, about a compound housing 'surgery dolls' (mad props here to Fox's Dollhouse).. where humans were kept for practicing new and difficult surgeries. back surgeries, knee surgeries, plastic surgeries, etc. And this they do willingly, only because their brains were manipulated to submit willingly, and more, to keep on loving and valuing themselves even after they've become utterly scarred and hideous from the repeated incisions. So they wouldn't give up. you have to want to live.. for the wounds to heal properly.

...and so I slept til 9. then fiance' and the cat came to wake me up and we had some christmas...

but that's another post.

i don't have time for anything that's not changing my headlight or sleeping.. but..

Dec 18, 2009
3 comments

...but.... I would like to take this opportunity to celebrate my TWO NEW NEIGHBORS! who added ME, making me feel both Important and a little Self-Conscious (sorry about the mess... I've been.. away...)

My Two New Neighbors are REAL PEOPLE! they are not trying to sell me Christian Louboutin or Louis Vuitton, or get me to watch their webcam! their posts are frequent, and have REAL EVENTS and pictures in them!

So vox isn't dead, after all! Thanks new neighbors, for restoring my faith in the little blog site that could. I look forward to reading your adventures, and not being sold shoes or soft porn.

:)

now i lay me down...

Dec 14, 2009
4 comments

I like falling asleep, but i hate 'going' to sleep. falling asleep means i'm tired and comfortable, and i've found myself laying flat somewhere with time to sleep. falling asleep usually happens on the couch, on my fiance's lap, or in bed on top of a book. falling asleep always happens ON something.

Going to sleep is when I'm not really tired, but I head to bed because I should.. because i have to be up at some ridiculous hour, or i should be tired and i'm not.. Going to sleep is a drag. it feels like a waste of time. it feels like I should be up watching Hulu, or wrapping presents, or studying, or doing any of a thousand things I never find time to do in daylight. Going to sleep feels like giving up.

Lately, going to sleep has also involved my deranged brain conjuring up every possible painful scenario imaginable between now and forever. I've imagined the death, disability, dismemberment of everyone i love. I've seen myself with diseases, unemployed, dumped, childless, alone and lonely on my deathbed. I've imagined the deaths of pets I don't even have yet. No matter how I try to trick myself into thinking about something else, within a minute it always wraps back around to the many horrible things i will undoubtedly experience.. probably tomorrow or the next day. It takes hours, hours, to finally, blessedly, fall asleep.

i haven't always been this way. I don't know when it started or if it will end. is the whole world like this? what do you think about before you drift off?

tell me a happy story.

i got written up today...

Dec 9, 2009
2 comments

i wish i could even wish that i were at all sorry for what i said, but the fact is

'you can take it out of my babysitting money'

so aptly describes, a) what i do and b) what you can do about it.

i have a smart mouth. i know, because my mom told me this, usually right before she washed it out with some Dial antibacterial soap. Dial soap tastes like wood and turpentine, but you get used to it. you really do.

you can even start to like it.

Go ahead, scrape it around on those baby teeth, i'll take it like a man. i earned that shit.

anyway.. as a perfectionist, i impose my perfectionist leanings onto other people. I'm lucky that most of my friends and family are in fact, perfect, but unfortunately i have to share close work quarters with the laziest motherfuckers on the planet..

that's it tho. they're just lazy. i've seen them work, i've seen them do good things. smart kids. i've seen them set the bar right up there...

and then the crisis is over, disaster averted, and it's back to the status quo. the status woe.

anyway someone complained, formally, that i hurt their feelings, and i was issued a write up, formally. which i formally signed and it went into a formal folder with my first and last name on it. and during my review someone will bring it up and i'll get paid less in bonus because it turns out....

...they really can take it out of my babysitting money.

i know why your kid can't read.. and it's not his vision.

Nov 16, 2009
4 comments

Your kid can't read because you don't care. because everything, and anything, is more important that getting him to his FREE, one-hour tutor session which is held at your place of business, which is also his after school program.

Basically, parent/guardian.. it could not be easier to get him to this session. it's IN YOUR OFFICE. I walk in, we read, that's it. How is it so difficult to make this happen?? I'm available! I have books!!! and i'm FREE!

I'll tell you why. because you don't care. maybe no one cared if you learned to read, maybe the D+'s and F's on his report cards are just another in a series of meaningless letters and words no one bothered to teach you. I don't know your story.. but i do know that kid is GOING TO FAIL somewhere, somehow, because he reads at a 1st grade level and that doesn't seem to bother anyone.

I wish he were a little douchebag. I wish he was so unloveable that i didn't care if he succeeded in life or not. but he's not, he's just a kid. a normal, antsy, undisciplined, slow-reading kid. and someone needs to make the tough calls right now to get him the help he needs-- the help that is being THROWN at him by organizations which are funded (and sometimes unfunded) in order to get him help. Attempts which you are ignoring because you don't care as much as they, as i, do.

YOU SUCK.

1/2 + 1/2 = 26.2 (right?)

Nov 15, 2009
6 comments

I ran two half marathons, on consecutive saturdays.

clarksville half marathon Nov 7: 2:34:48

nashville half marathon Nov 14: 2:33:31

What you will notice is, my supreme consistency. what you will notice after i point it out:

i shaved 1:17 off my time

this is huge. this is the path.. to excellence, my friends.

Look out, Kenya.

ISO: Bridge. (troubled water, i possess in quantity)

Nov 12, 2009
4 comments

Crash: hug
for you

me: gahhh i'm so fat right now Crash
132
do you believe this
i was 125 like 6 weeks ago
i want to die

Crash: is it muscle?

me: no it is HIDEOUS FAT

Crash: baby katzen, no! omg how did it happen!?

me: my clothes are tight

Crash: mine are, too

me: i want to hurl self off bridge
just need a bridge

Crash: i think i am up to 140

me: why isn't there ever a BRIDGE when you need one

Crash: so i'll probably fall faster than you
lol

me: LOL
well we're screwed with no bridges

Crash: this is true. at least i refilled my meds today, tho.

me: and i'm in day FOUR of the same anxiety attack
mmmmmmeds

Crash: damn!
that is so not good

me: considered getting back on, today
took a benedryl instead
;-)

Crash: i don't blame you

me: poor man's narcotic

Crash: i keep popping cyclobenzaprine and xanax
cos i ran out of paxil for 3 days and no time to refill it because of evil evil job

me: mail order!

Crash: ooh good idea

me: oh i'd be lost without mail order
funny, in tthe middle of an anx. attack, the LAST thing i wana do is run out to the drugstore

Crash: i should look into that
yeah, no doubt
did i tell you about my nervous breakdown this week?
where i yelled at people at work?

me: you told me you cussed some bitch out

Crash: omg. i so did.
i did not get in trouble.
:)
i even said "fucking" in front of a little kid. at work. and i am not fired. whew!

me: b/c you're rad

Crash: and very, very lucky
hehe
but then i got mad again today at work
but didn't say any naughty words
so i think i'm ok
just a fat ass
with a sore throat and cough
and broken out skin
from being freaking overworked and overangered

me: i am also broken out
bad
stress and candy
ok well i'll have my 7 lbs gone by. thnxgiving
hopefully
i just have to pick a limb to hack off.

Crash: lmao!
i have eaten almost an entire large bag of peanut m and ms today
then i got sick. surprise, surprise.
i find feeling ugly makes me homicidal instead of suicidal anymore. it's weird.

me: at least they taste the same on the way up

Crash: or maybe it's vaguely both

me: HAHA
me too
it also makes me buy stupid shit from mall kiosks

Crash: we should write a book together
like proactiv? hehe

me: i'm that girl, the one they target to buy their dead sea salt shit b/c i look like i have low self worth
I AM THAT GIRL

Crash: ohhh the dudes that want to put crap on you as you walk by

me: yah lookin like 'i just wanna be touched'

Crash: lol!

me: 'can't you see how needy i am? due to my huge ass and my acne right there?'

Crash: i said yesterday i was going to make a new magazine about how girls who have low self-esteem get all the men

me: 'touch me for 40 seconds and i will buy two of your packs of salt shit

Crash: you are hilarious

me: it's TRUE
i'm going to blog it right now

Crash: i know, but it's so funny
you should be on snl

me: lol

Crash: yay!

me: actually i'll just paste this into vox
i'm so lazy

Crash: awesome
me, too

me: as well as fat and pimplehaving

Crash: fat, lazy, broken out assholes
that's us

me: we suck

Crash: but damn, we're witty

me: we have that going for us

Crash: i feel so much pressure to be the funny one
to make up for the ugly

me: me TOO!

Crash: it's like everyone lvoes me b/c i'm hilarious, and i entertain everyone, but then i go home and want to put a gun in my mouth
it's a sick cycle

me: is it better than putting a gun in someone elses mouth?
i suppose it depends on the mouth
and the someone

Crash: i just updated my boyfriend.
i call my blog my boyfriend, btw

me: haha did you paste my blog!?

Crash: nope
but if the feds find mine i'm effed

me: nice i'mma have to read that

Crash: yay!
ok now i have to go
love you. and don't worry, someone is fatter than you today. xoxoxoxoxo

me: love you back, thanks for the sage advice

QotD: Trapped in an Elevator

Oct 22, 2009
1 comment

Who would you most like to be stuck in an elevator with?

that horrible man i used to work for..

Least like?

...witnesses.

the conditions under which i will put away laundry

Oct 22, 2009
1 comment

Laundry is.. laundered.
Dryer cycle has finished
...while i am standing in front of it
and laundry is WARM.. WARM is good.
nothing good is on TV
nothing bad is on TV
gmail is DOWN
facebook is uninteresting
vox is read/updated
myspace spam is deleted
I am not hungry / thirsty / tired and all bathroom functions have been executed
Jonas is not laying in a cute way
my phone isn't ringing and
i have no voice mails
mercury is not in retrograde

that about covers it. off to delete myspace spam.