a message to my friends (and family!)

normally I would have replied to your comments on the 'breathe' post, but I was so overwrought at the time, and most of today, I just didn't have a chance.

But I wanted to say thank you for putting so much thought into what you wrote.  It made me feel immensely and rather immediately better to read what you'd written.  I had renewed hope, and I felt valid in one of my weaker moments.  Or one of my more honest moments, perhaps.

I'm not a person who accepts defeat easily most of the time, so it was difficult to try and fail with my own health.  Twice, as far as I was concerned.  You all made me feel like I had so many other options to try, and that I was justified to feel as frustrated as I did.  That helped so much with the anxiety.  I swear, 80% of what's going on with me is sheer panic, of not breathing, of illness, of being out of control of a basic human function.  After reading your comments, I felt.. well not 'healed'. but better about being sick.  Or something.

So today, I went to the doctor and just layed it out... How I'm feeling physically and how it's making me a crazy person, emotionally.  I started crying right away, and she did just what you guys did, she told me it was ok and totally normal to get stressed out. She understood and agreed that I was making it worse with anxiety. She in fact offered to treat the anxiety at least temporarily, to take the edge off of what I'm experiencing.  I said no, mostly because I'm functional right now, and so far I'm hanging in there with the occasional verbal nudge.  I'd rather not medicate unless I'm desperate for it.  I think antianxiety meds are probably a lifesaver for people who need them occasionally... I'm just not ready to be one of those people, not yet.

I get by with a little help from my friends.

A thousand thanks, guys, really.  Super hugs.

kat