2007's wave of mutilation

Ok so I listed what I had and had not done in 2006 .. calculated up the success and failure of my -very earnest- resolutions at 30.7 percent.  There isn't even a letter in the alphabet assigned to mark that level (A-B-C-D and F) of failure... it's THAT bad. So, what you're looking at is something beyond failure, so far beyond failure that it's also beyond pitiful, beyond disgrace, and right up past funny and into ridiculous.

So fuck that.  A product of a hungover me, someone repenting for a misspent 2005 perhaps, or certainly repenting for a misspent 12/31/2005.. particularly between the hours of 10pm and 'last call'.  It is not wise to commit to anything during a hangover, no matter how slight. the consequences are great.

So here's to 2007--- a list of hangovers.. pardon.. a list of resolutions made while NOT hungover, in fact, while quite drunk.

1) End poverty.

I would like to end poverty.  It would be a really creamy, really good thing to end ACTUAL poverty, as in the poverty of others and other countries and you know, povert-ed people... so let's say that's my goal.  But, in fact I'll give myself 50% if i can manage to keep my job and more if i actually make some sort of money above and beyond California rent-extortion, so I really can't lose on this one. -- unless of course i lose my job.  (this could happen)

2) Cure disease

again, I want with all my heart and soul to cure the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.. worldwide.  I'm like the Angelina Jolie of curing shit (instead of orphans).  However I recognize that curing ALL disease, and particularly the most devastating of those is something bigger than myself.  So I'm going to give myself 50% for making quarterly donations to a health-related cause and 60% if i manage to keep my own damn self free of misc flu and cold viruses this year.  I welcome suggestions for causes.. right now I'm thinking: Breast cancer and Cerebral Palsy, those are close to me.  AIDS is probably another, and there's one more slot open.  My company matches.  HELL YEAH..  (I'm really feeling 60% on this one.)

3) Be skinny

well if this isn't a perennial. To be clear, let's just say right now I have -zero- problem with people of any body type, shape and size, etc.  My own preference changes; i have been wrapped up tight in arms of varying circumferences, have fallen asleep on laps of variable squishiness.  I think a person can be beautiful at any weight, and a person is most beautiful when s/he feels beautiful -- at any weight.  I regret that certain body types are endorsed by the media etc, and that little boys and girls will measure themselves against people who aren't themselves, and that they will kill themselves trying to be someone-else's-beautiful.  that is a goddamn shame.  Oh back to the resolution part.. i want to be skinny.  Skinny for me is a few lbs below my recommended weight. (i like collarbones)  I'll never get there, because I realize my body has an optimum weight for performance, and i chicken out once I start to feel off center, out of balance, etc. ..  But hey... 50% for 118 by end of year, and 100% for 113.  aim high. (low?)  

I find myself now thinking of actual resolutions. things I really think i might like to do, and things that might actually be realistic.  that's no fun. there's no pie-in-the-sky, no room for error, no way to earn even a little if you fail completely.  and that's not the kind of goal i'm into, not this year.  Maybe I will knit a scarf, or run a half-marathon.. but those are probably things I'd have resolved on any day.. not just new year's day.