Who would you most like to be stuck in an elevator with?
that horrible man i used to work for..
Least like?
...witnesses.
- Laundry is.. laundered.
- Dryer cycle has finished
- ...while i am standing in front of it
- and laundry is WARM.. WARM is good.
- nothing good is on TV
- nothing bad is on TV
- gmail is DOWN
- facebook is uninteresting
- vox is read/updated
- myspace spam is deleted
- I am not hungry / thirsty / tired and all bathroom functions have been executed
- Jonas is not laying in a cute way
- my phone isn't ringing and
- i have no voice mails
- mercury is not in retrograde
that about covers it. off to delete myspace spam.
and i still managed a nap... OHhhh the freedom of a day-shift Friday!
BF fiance and i are going to see a terrific show this weekend. It's a date!
My hair is fabulous. It had a much-needed trim and all the color updated.
I'm running a dance tonight. Nashville: come get your Blues on.. Global Ed Center 8:30 - 11:30pm. Socks will be rocked... if you act now, they could be your socks.
happy weekend.
I have had three solid days of anxiety attacks in the last 2 weeks, with no apparent external cause. A year ago, this would have freaked my shit out, and i would have let these bad days eat at me until i was a soggy, weeping mess curled up in the fetal position on the floor of my bathroom. However in the last six months or so I have learned how to manage my anxiety; coming up with plans of 'attack' (har-har-har) to prevent them at best, and cope with them otherwise.
At this point, anxiety attacks feel to me.. a lot like sharing a bathroom with my little brother. it's uncomfortable and awkward, and things get a little dicey when I need to be somewhere on time, but eventually he'll be out of there and I'll have the space to myself for a while. it's annoying, but it is NOT the end of the world.
I think you'll find that since i joined facebook, my blogging quality and quantity has dropped about 7000% from the mediocrity of before.
see i don't even know how to phrase that, but you know what i mean.
i started one yesterday, not about much, but i 'paused' it and never found the inspiration to pick it back up. which is fine because mostly it was lamenting the same thing this blog is. namely: i am a lazy, narcissistic bastard, with no actual friends.
i have SO much i should be doing. fiance' and i are moving into A Real House* in october, which means, in theory, all the boxes i have brought home from work should be packed up and labeled and left ready to be loaded into a truck. however there they are and here i am, and no packing fairy has arrived to take care of that particular task for me.
similarly, i should be studying for my Cisco bootcamp** in October. I'm dead set on passing that CCNA test. However I haven't actually channeled that desire into any amount of opening of books or note taking. My most involved effort on that front: purchasing graph paper.
i don't know. i feel like success starts with graph paper.
or at least, it helps.
the aborted blog also addressed my recent mood swings. No i am not pregnant. Yes, i have mood swings. I have been happily off crazy-pills for.. .. uhh.. since april, and i'm now able to explore all the heights and depths of the human spirit as god intended.. or something. no actually, it's probably nothing like that. commercials make me cry, ok? especially the ATT commercial with the kid and the LOST DOG posters. omG. Niagara falls, frankie angel. and there are other things. stupid things. that make me mist up ridiculously and at inopportune times. it's probably hormones. here i am in the peak of my breeding years, spending all my nurturing, diaper changing, cookie-baking energies on a (totally empty-- c'est la vie) farmer's market dance.. and Mafia Wars.
it's all a trick, you see. when you hit 30, your body makes you think you are empty inside, so that you will fill it up quite literally with a Baby (and thereby ensure the survival of the species).
tricky nature. i'm not having it. or Having It. get it?
tomorrow is my mom's birthday... 50. I sent her a gift (on time, if you can believe that) and she left me a sweet, happy, totally normal and bubbly voicemail. i saved it. i havent' heard her like that in a hundred years, and it's nice.
also tonight, i miss paul. I was talking with a sort of guy friend and i was reminded (by the contrast) what it's like to have a Lifelong Friend, who knows like everything, and there is history and rapport. history is so crucial. and love and concern, and respect and honesty, and i just don't see those things spawning naturally these days. there is just something about adolescence that cements that. there's all the things you don't talk about but you know about, and knowing is sometimes enough.
paul was very special and i'll never be able to replace him.
So it's time for bed. time to love (and i do love) what i have here and now, here and now.
goodnight moon.
*rental.
**i don't even know why i astrisked this.
i have sworn, in fact as recently as yesterday, that i wouldn't be caught dead twittering... but something moved me today to join. i don't know what that 'something' was, but it was probably rooted in
a) my desire to have the twitter name i got before anyone else got it
b) my feelings of dance neglect and abandonment because none of the advanced/pro nashville swing dancers really care to come to my dance at the farmer's market unless NOTHING else is going on.
b) makes me feel bad about myself.... like i can't host an event worth going to. i'll keep doing it tho, hoping the beginner/intermediates get something out of it, even lacking the inspiration we all so greatly need to keep us motivated. one day, maybe some completely unexpected community member will find something about the dance to love, and it will change his/her life, and that will give me the validation i am so obviously, desperately, seeking.
blah.
fiance got new glasses. we're not sure they fit him well, but i can't help thinking he's just adorable, even in his ill-fitting glasses. i wonder what would have to happen to make him unattractive to me?? this must be love. i'm smitten.
a smitten-twittite.
My 19 year old brother is mentally disabled. He has been living in a home with licensed caregivers for probably close to two years. A few months ago his doctors took him off of all his meds. A few days ago, he beat up his female caregiver. the 'incident report' says that he hit her twelve times, in the face. He's a full grown adult male. she's a woman.
I don't know what to say. I don't know what the future holds. I don't understand him.. he's never been anything real.. he's always just been this sort of, shell of a person with drugs making his person-parts move in a way that seems believeable, realistic, until you get close up. but there's nothing genuine inside him.. or if there is, i've never seen it.
now the drugs are gone, and his person-parts moved all by themselves and assaulted a woman. is this what's been inside him, all along? a monster?
i want to be sad about this, but i feel nothing. it's like he's a movie i'm watching.
i hate myself right now. so pathetic that i have to make this about me because i can't make it about him. i am truly the suck.
everyone wants us to have a wedding but here's what i figure:
50% of you just want free booze
46% of you just want to dress up and maybe catch a bouquet
3% of you actually want to see me exchange vows with the man i love
and the remaining 1% is just pretending you want to go to our wedding because it seems like something you should do.
well you are all out of luck because it's not gonna happen.
i mean this in the nicest way :)
Just made flight reservations for VERMONT this winter.. out to see the almost-in-laws... should be a fun trip!!! was able to use my rapid-rewards, at least one direction, HUZZAH for saving money.
because one day, i'm going to buy a house. one day.
Friday night was THe Giant BIg Huge Project at Work, Part 1. it went off without a HITCH.. i wish every night could be like that. I am awesome at what i do.. we all are. lucky to be working where i do.
C is sleeping. Jonas is soft and amazing.. laundry is in progress. mexican food tonight. reading tutor 'interview'.. tomorrow.
Life is good.
three minutes are up. :)
tonight i have:
1) sewed a button on a thing
2) downloaded a self-help tape from itunes (seriously. this happened)
3) listened to said self-help tape
4) googled and wiki'd Sweet Valley High (series, TV show, actors.. everything. I know all about Double Jeopardy and Lila's Big Day. or whatever).
so i have to assume 4) was spawned by 2) and 3) because otherwise it's completely random.
and thus, 5) will be:
5) trying to figure that shit out.
nighty.
